There is one graduate here today
that has won every single honor and award this school gives out.
That graduate, our friend, is Van Wilder!
Standing here today, l cannot help but wish l could stay
in high school forever.
l mean, there are so many warm mammories...
Memories l have of this place.
But, you see, change, like life,
has a way of sneaking up on us.
When we least expect it, yeah.
Sure, the timing may seem very, very bad,
but yet it feels good, so good,
to be graduating with some of the sharpest minds
and swiftly darting tongues that this school has to offer.
Listen to me ramble. l am really giving you a mouthful.
But before l'm finished, it is my extreme pleasure
to recognize someone who has aced her oral exams,
who has always been head of the class,
graduating summa cum
laude. Our very own valedictorian.
Congratulations, graduates!
-Congratulations, Son. -Thanks.
Now, let's get out of here. The sooner we get to Amsterdam,
the sooner we won't be able to remember it.
Yeah.
-You're not going to Amsterdam. -l can't.
Sheik Mohammad is building an island outside of Dubai.
And l'm gonna help him import a million tons of sand.
lt's a huge opportunity, Van.
Come on. You're gonna have a great time without me.
Exploring nether regions in the Netherlands
is not a bad way to spend your summer before college.
l still don't know why l can't just skip college and come work for you.
l mean, l know the business, we could hang out...
Van, every Wilder man has graduated from Coolidge.
lt's tradition. And tradition is something you just don't break.
l gotta run. Hey, have a great time,
do everything l wouldn't do, and remember,
-''Banging, broke or blitzed...'' -''A Wilder never quits.''
Write that down.
Well, well. Look who just arrived.
Van, do you have to go back to the college?
Come back to Amsterdam with us.
Dulia, Babette, l'm sorry, ladies, but l must.
l've been waiting 30 years for this.
lt's a little small, but l can work with it.
Van Wilder. l'm your new roommate.
All right. Farley.
Smoke?
Man, am l glad we are roommates, man!
This place is a pimper's paradise.
l'm gonna make some of my special brownies.
My God! We've been invaded by Supercuts!
-Lieutenant Dirk Arnold, ROTC. -Corporal Benedict, ROTC.
Van Wilder, WTF?
The Honorable Dean Charles Reardon requests your presence immediately.
But l just put my slippers on.
Van Wilder, sir, as you ordered.
Return to your squad.
Well, well, Mr. Wilder.
Nice of you to join us.
Colonel Charles Reardon, Dean, Coolidge College.
How's it hanging, Chuck?
You see these fine young men, Wilder?
These are Reardon's Raiders.
They've won every ROTC war game for the past three years.
They're my pride and joy.
Good doggies. l especially like your Chihuahua.
Lady Liberty is a purebred ltalian greyhound.
Actually, l was talking about that guy.
Arnold!
Secure Lady Liberty.
Let's you and me take a little ride, son.
Stay.
-Good dog. -Get the lead out, Wilder!
You know, l went to school here with your father.
He acted like he owned the place,
just 'cause his family's name was on that building over there.
You know what that name means to me?
About as much as titties on a mule, son. l run this outfit now.
And while you're here, you'll follow Reardon's Rules.
No drinking, no fornicating, and no partying, period.
Or you'll be the first Wilder who fails to graduate from Coolidge.
Now, do you follow me?
Yes, sir! You prefer your mules titless!
Let's get one thing straight, son.
l may not be able to kick you out of here 'cause of your daddy and his dough.
But you screw with me, and l'll make it so you'll pray to leave.
Out.
l'm glad we had this talk.
Means there won't be any problems in the future.
Party tonight, party tonight. Party tonight, party tonight, thank you.
You smell that, Farley? That's the smell of opportunity.
The smell of thousands of new girls. The... Hello.
Van Wilder, Chairman of Freshman Relations, self-appointed.
This is my partner, Farley Marley.
-Jah Rastafari. -He's from Jamaica.
-Right. -We're having a little
room-warming soiree tonight. Nothing big, just a few hundred friends,
foam machine, nitrous, frappuccinos. We would love it if you ladies came.
-A party? -You're joking, right?
No!
lt's okay.
Wow. This is embarrassing.
l can't believe nobody showed up.
Well, it's about time.
Party?
So, Yu Dum Fok! You came all the way here from China.
Yes. Village l grow up in boring as shit.
No party. l dream of beer bong, bimbos, and boob on my butt.
So, l work in sweatshop, save money, come here.
Cannot even afford room, have to sleep in janitor closet.
That's one of the most beautiful things l've ever heard, Yu Dum Fok.
No offense to your ancestors, but maybe we'll just call you Yu, Yu.
Van, how come no hot, young, American cat?
Coolidge is number one party school!
1979. Wow!
Girls used to have hair?
l hate to break it to you, Yu,
but l don't think that's the case anymore.
No party?
No beer bong?
-No boob on butt? -No.
l go to janitor closet now. Drink ''breach.''
Forget the ''breach.''
Boys, it's toga time.
Friends, Romans, grunting women, lend me your beers.
Welcome.
Nice jugs.
They contain the sacred blood of the lamb.
Do you wish to be purified?
We here for boob on butt.
Actually, l think we're lost.
Come with me. My sisters will take care of your friends.
l'm not sure if you're aware, but in the past few years
Coolidge has become a more religious and conservative campus
than it used to be.
l'd better take these.
Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash.
At Coolidge, we're dry.
You know, science has made incredible advancements
in personal lubrication.
You won't be needing these, either.
Orgasms are the devil's heroin. Just once, and you're hooked.
''O daughters of Jerusalem, do not awaken love until it is ready.''
-Amen. -Amen.
Song of Solomon, 8:4.
Let she who is without sin grasp the first bone.
Wilder, 69.
Perhaps you and your friends should look into a different school.
We have enough sinners here.
You wouldn't happen to have their phone numbers, would you?
You have a very impure spirit.
There's a dark, wretched hole waiting for you.
Okay, but you have to buy me a drink first.
l think that can be arranged.
Now l know what a tampon feels like.
This is a complete fuckery, you know, man.
No poom poom, no ganja.
Vampires for Jesus, throwing blood on us?
-l can't take four years of this bullshit. -We drink ''breach,'' get sent home.
Hey! No one's drinking ''breach!'' And no one's going home.
So what did you have in mind?
We shake things up a bit.
Why don't we just buy some?
Where's the fun in that?
This almost as good as boob on butt.
Say hello to my little friend.
Sorry.
Don't forget to floss.
Hi, Dirk. How's that big gun of yours?
-Hey, honeybear. -Hey, honeybear!
Kaitlin. So nice you could make it. We missed you in Bible study again.
-Hymnal? -Whoa!
Nice arm, Jezebel.
-l believe this is yours. -Thanks.
Van Wilder, hopeless romantic.
-Kaitlin Hayes. -My girlfriend.
Well, it's nice to see there are some Christians
who still do charity work.
Come on, Kaitlin, let's go.
Yeah, before all the good seats are taken!
No, thanks. l brought my own.
Thank you.
Today, l wanna talk about something that's all over this school,
and it isn't pencils, no. And it isn't books. But it's sin.
S-l-N. Sin.
You know, it seems like they'll let just about anybody in school these days.
Except Jesus.
And, you know, l took the time to check Jesus' transcripts,
and l find out that Jesus has a perfect GPA.
Yeah, that stands for God Point Average.
Amen, amen.
-Amen. -Amen.
But what is the number one sin on campus today?
Quite plainly, it's sex.
-Sex. -S-E-X.
-Sex. -Sex.
Even as we're speaking, the sinning is beginning. Amen!
-Amen. -Amen.
Amen, sisters.
-Gentlemen, the Lord is... -Hallelujah, sister!
-...about to work in very... -Hallelujah!
-...mysterious ways. -Hallelujah!
That's right, sisters. l want you to feel the Lord inside you.
Because fornication, copulation and the king of all sins, masturbation,
is happening all around us, even at this very moment.
-Amen! -Amen!
But we've got a secret because we've got Jesus on our side.
Can l get an amen?
-Amen! -Amen!
Amen, sisters! Yes, they're feeling it right now!
They got the power of the Lord deep down inside them.
-Amen! -Amen!
Hallelujah, sister, hallelujah.
-Hallelujah! -Hallelujah!
-l want each of you out there to pray. -Amen.
Pray that you might be feeling what they're feeling.
-Amen! -Amen!
Yes, they're talking to the big guy.
-Amen! -Amen!
Oh, the sisters are feeling mighty good right now.
-Amen, sisters! -Amen!
lt's time for some tits and mass.
-Amen! -Amen!
Amen, sisters!
That's what l'm talking about!
-Amen! -Amen!
You might as well open up your pearly gates, dear Lord.
'Cause these sisters are coming! These sisters are coming!
-Amen! -Amen!
You know what these are?
Yes, sir.
And l think experimentation is healthy for any marriage.
You listen to me, funny man. l can't prove it, but l know it was you.
And you can rest assured, l will get to the bottom of this.
ln this case, Chuck, may l recommend some Vaseline.
You know, nowadays, the Dean has much more influence
over a student's curriculum.
And l have got something special in store for you.
Something to build character. Something to make you a man.
-Left, left, left, left, left, left... -Left, left, left, left, left, left...
l'm gonna take a stab in the dark and say
that none of you signed up for this, either.
Well, if they think that we came to college
to waste our time playing soldier
to some slack-jawed, pituitary-pumping, testosterone-tweaking Neanderthal,
then they...
Are 100% correct.
Attention! Straight line! Eyes forward!
l'm Corporal Hayes. l will be your drill instructor.
lt's my job to guide you through your ROTC physical training,
which is required to graduate from this institution.
Are there any questions?
Yes, soldier.
Do you, by chance, drill in private?
Well, Mr. Wilder, if you'd like,
l'm sure l can arrange for us to spend a little one-on-one time together.
This a new experience for you?
Yeah.
l usually go electric. Helps get those hard-to-reach spots.
Hilarious. l've met guys like you before.
The only person you care about is yourself.
-Something funny? -Yeah.
l just can't wait to prove you wrong.
We'll see.
Oh, and by the way, you missed a spot.
Enjoy.
l'm sorry. l ordered mine well-done.
l have better food in sweatshop.
Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu.
-What? l had the munchies. -Well, look what we have here.
l haven't seen this many turds
since l won that campus hot-dog eating contest.
Yeah, l haven't seen this many pansies since l was picking flowers yesterday.
Remember, l was making that arrangement, and the...
So how's the chow, ladies?
l give the presentation three stars, l really do,
but the pseudo meat, it's a little dry.
-There you go. All better. -Yum, yum, yum.
You know, l heard they were looking for a few good men,
but l guess they'll take whatever they can get.
-Hey, Dirk. -Kaitlin! Hey, honeybear, hi!
What are you boys up to?
Well, we were just congratulating these fine young soldiers here
on their first day of duty. You know me, Lieutenant Friendly.
Lieutenant Friendly here even volunteered to switch meals with me.
Oh, what a nice guy.
Yum, yum. That is so good.
How's yours, Dirk?
Oh, God.
Well, how was it?
Always leading by example.
-So, are we still going to the game? -Oh, l...
You bet we are!
What game?
-There's a football game this weekend. -Really?
These losers haven't won a game in years.
Come on, it's not about winning or losing.
lt's about supporting your school.
You know what? You are so right, babe. School spirit.
Okay, well l'm gonna get back to class.
Okay. Bye.
All right, guess what, queerbait? You're officially on my bad side.
The team's a joke, but the concessions will probably buy me a new Humvee.
Right.
l take bigger hits than these guys for breakfast.
No, it's not the team's fault.
-You guys, come on! -They've got no inspiration.
lt looks like the cheerleaders are asking for a little divine intervention.
l'll be right back.
Where you going, man?
To fix this.
l have never seen such a sorry display in all my life.
l mean, where's the fire? Where is the intensity?
And for God's sake, where are the tight ends?
Your team needs you out there.
Okay, being a cheerleader isn't about pigtails and pompoms.
lt's about standing by your team, even when they suck.
Especially when they suck.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Now, do you think you can do that?
-Yes. -Yes.
Do you think you can give it the old college try?
-Yes. -Yes.
Do you think maybe, just maybe, you can help those guys score?
-Yes! -Yes!
That's what l'm talking about.
But first, we're gonna have to make a few cuts.
Who knew our cheerleaders were hot?
Who knew our cheerleaders were women?
Hey, guys. The girls have done their part.
Now it's your turn.
Oh, and they said that if you win this thing,
they're throwing you a victory party.
Victory party, guys. All right, let's go. One, two, three...
-Coolidge! -Coolidge!
Come on! l know you can do it, now.
l tell you, l don't know whose idea it was,
but these cheerleaders are grinding it harder than Juan Valdez.
What the...
Sweet Jesus!
Now, that's what l'm talking about!
Watch your head!
Guys, give me a ride.
Hey!
-School spirit? -No, thanks.
How about a beer?
ln a bottle.
l shouldn't be here.
Hey, wait up!
l'll walk you back to your dorm.
l'm sorry. l just... l can't afford to do anything that might jeopardize
-getting into officer-training school. -Understandable.
l must seem like such a Goody Two-shoes.
No.
l was gonna say prude.
You know, you should read The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
He say, ''All great warfare is based on deception.
''Offer the enemy bait to lure him.
''Feign disorder and crush him.''
Or her.
He also says we cannot enter alliances
until we know the designs of our neighbors. Good night.
You're not even going to let me escort you to your room?
Now, what kind of a prude would that make me?
Hey, where'd you come from?
Broke out of your little cage, huh?
What the hell?
Oh, my God.
You're my new best friend.
Here's to you.
Colossus.
-Hey. -Hey.
Hi! Great party.
Don't thank me. Thank tequila. What's up?
Found your pants.
Van, l took your advice about shaving my excess body hair, and it worked.
She said l'd get laid tonight.
-What's her major? -Pre-law.
-Get it in writing. -Hey, Van.
Hey, guys, guys, guys, l will get to all of you later, l promise.
Wow!
Hey, big man on campus.
-A blessing and a curse. -Van! Van, l need your help.
-Calm down, Yu. -l meet girl in class, ''berry'' sexy.
So l say she beautiful. She say, ''Get lost!''
So l say she smart. She say, ''Get lost!''
So l say, ''l know Van Wilder,'' and she say, ''Where your room?''
Things heating up, but first l give her Connie ring ass.
-Connie who? -Connie ring ass!
-Ring ass? -Ring ass!
-Cunnilingus! -Oh, right!
So next thing, she cry, she run out!
Show me what you did.
Jesus, man! You're lucky you didn't send her to the fucking hospital.
Where did you learn that?
-Sex ''crass.'' -What sex ''crass''?
Now, sex is achieved when a male's sin stick is in, on,
or in the same room as
a female's hell hole.
Now, no matter what the woman says,
the act of procreation should only last for a few seconds.
And remember, if it feels good, you're doing it wrong.
Professor Downs! There's an emergency phone call.
-Your wife was in an accident. -Tell her l'll call her later.
-And she totaled your Mustang. -That bitch!
-Class, turn to pages 20 to 22 and... -Hello.
Wake up!
My name is Professor Wilder.
l have BA, an MA and a PhD. And l received a BJ from a double-D.
These are my teaching assistants.
Welcome to Sex 101 .
This is hot.
-Yeah! -Yeah!
This is not.
-No! -No!
Hand?
Bad!
We call this maneuver ''flanking.''
Who can name this position?
-Yu. -Glass Bottom Boat!
And this one.
Analingus!
-And that one. -Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy.
Spraying Mantis. Horny Dancer. Superman.
The Gizzard of Oz!
That's my favorite.
-Ladies. -Hello, hands, meet the glans.
-And? -Don't be daft, work the shaft.
-Guys. -Don't be a twit, rub that clit.
You're learning!
Now, remember, always practice safe sex.
But clean up after yourselves. Condoms are like newspapers.
They may be filled with important stuff now,
but you don't want them lying around tomorrow morning.
Write that down.
Miss Hayes.
l'll let it slide this time, but if you plan on being teacher's pet
-you really should stay after class. -Class?
You're kidding, right?
Nothing from that soft-core seminar would actually work in real life.
Okay, l give you tongue if you like.
The point is you put on a disgusting display of vulgar anatomy,
crude stereotypes and dirty limericks.
Which you took copious notes on.
This is all a game to you.
lt's a lot of smooth talk, and then it's wham, bam, thank you, Van.
Well, my father taught me, if it's something worth doing,
it's worth doing right.
Well, my father taught me that the best things in life
are worth waiting for.
-Wait. -Catch you later, teach.
Van! Van! Okay, thank you, thank you.
-l'm Yu. -l'm Dongmei.
You know, l am not sure what it is, but there is something in the air tonight.
Something called...
Love, girl.
See, that's what the reggae music is all about.
Love and...
Shrimp?
Look at those.
Flamethrowers! Use the flamethrowers!
Permission to come inside, sir?
Kaitlin, you look like a...
Tramp!
That's what l feel like sometimes.
l mean, l know she has a boyfriend, but it's like...
l'm sorry. l shouldn't be boring you with all this.
Here. l have a little surprise for us.
Sweet and sour.
Ready, aim, fire!
Kaitlin, what's gotten into you?
Let's just say l learned a few things in class today.
Kaitlin, l need my energy.
l have to pass that obstacle course in the morning.
l'll give you an obstacle.
Don't.
l am so glad you weren't busy tonight.
Go ahead.
God.
Put some of Professor Van's methods to the test last night?
You wish. What about you?
l figured you'd be in Wilder Hall sucking beers with Susie Sorority.
Travel books.
l always had you pegged as more of a Soldier of Fortune girl.
Traveling's one of the reasons why l wanna be in the military.
To see the world.
You know, there are vacations that don't involve machine guns.
Oh, right.
Spring break in Mexico, winters in the Caribbean.
You probably spent summer in Amsterdam.
l think it's important to familiarize oneself with international tongues.
-Life's just one big party, isn't it? -Why shouldn't it be?
Last time l checked, we only go around once, right?
Unless you believe in reincarnation.
ln that case, l wanna come back as a ThighMaster.
What?
Hey! Wait up!
You know, you could be a great leader if you just learned
how to follow orders first.
Not a big fan of authority figures, actually.
-Someone has father issues. -That makes two of us.
-Excuse me? -Come on.
The whole military routine, the tough exterior.
You don't know anything about my father or me.
-You just see a uniform and... -You just see a name on a building.
Well, why don't you surprise me?
All right. First of all, l've never even been in Wilder Hall.
And secondly, for someone who's so big on rules,
here it is.
''Student undergarments should be as modest
''and unrevealing as possible.''
-So? -So my sixth sense is telling me...
-You're a thong girl. -What? No, l'm not.
-My sixth sense does not lie. -Well, it does this time.
And in the future, you might want to keep it,
and the rest of your senses to yourself. Some things are private, Private.
Corporal, l think it's time we take things to the next level.
l have waited so long to hear you say that.
-What? -Nothing, l...
Eve! Jesus, you almost scared the courage out of me.
Hey, Dirk, l was just wondering if you could help me.
-With what? -l need to talk to God.
So go talk to him. l'm busy.
l need to feel him inside of me.
Don't you wanna help me find God?
-Listen. l don't know what you're on... -Just fuck me!
Get away from me, devil woman!
-Dirk! -Faster!
You get back here!
Yes, l bought you toilet paper.
No, it's not quilted. Golly!
l won't ask if you don't tell?
What the... Hey, put me down!
ls this where you bring all the boys?
Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian.
You like cracking your jokes, throwing your little parties,
sticking your tongue in other people's property?
Can someone get this guy a Tic Tac?
Well, l got news for you, Mr. Cool Guy,
Mr. Rock 'n' Roll, Mr. Hot Crotch!
Your party-boy bullshit has no place here at Coolidge.
And you're about to find out the hard way.
l wanna watch!
This should teach you not to mess with my girl.
Hold him!
Come on, Wilder. Drink up!
Had enough?
You wouldn't happen to have a pale ale on tap, would you?
Screw it.
How your face feel?
Like a punching bag.
Maybe you should find another girl.
No, it's not just the girl, Farley.
Dirk and Reardon and all the rest of those Cro-Magnon crotch diggers
need to learn they can't run this place like Guantanamo U.
Oh, man! Who's been feeding that dog corn again?
Farley, get some gloves.
All right, girls!
This is covert ops! l want it by the book!
Now camo up! Let's go!
-Sir, yes, sir! -Sir, yes, sir!
-Jesus, it smells. -Come on! Faster! Move! Yeah!
Put it on!
Mother of God!
Sir, he's right. lt smells like...
What do you want it to smell like? Roses?
Put it on!
All right, troops, one mile left. Double time! Let's go!
-What happened to your face? -l ran into a tool.
Oh, Dirk!
Not now, honeybear, we're in the middle of covert ops!
-What's that smell? -That smell?
-Yeah. -lt's the smell of war!
Well, it smells like crap.
-ls that corn? -Back to base showers now!
Ran into a tool, huh?
-Wilder is dead! -Dirk, what are you doing here?
-lt's against the rules. -l don't care about the rules.
-Now you sound like Van. -No. No, no, no.
Don't you dare say that name to me! l don't even wanna...
l don't even wanna hear that name!
-Dirk, calm down. -You're forbidden to see him again.
Excuse me? You can't tell me who to see.
Oh, you heard me, Corporal.
l don't want you to see him. You don't talk to him. Period!
Or what? You'll beat him up again?
He's not one of us, Kaitlin!
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Well, then, l don't wanna be one of us, either. Get out, Dirk!